jenny. nyeneks. jen. twenty-one.
currently a bum, but not for long. youngest of five. singer. loves to eat. sentimental. luvs music. butterflies. christian.
trumpets
girl. grad team. joyclub.
about site.
version: three. simple things. host:blogger. tools: microsoft frontpage, adobe photo deluxe, loads of love. c",)
what about?
this
site is where she rants and blogs about her oh-so-colorful
life, sprinkled with the simple joys God has blessed her with.
i did not eat my normal meal for almost 3 days.. consecutively (though i ate 3 sandwiches during that time). i only eat 1 meal and a lot of unhealthy snacks in a day. i played badminton for more than an hour the other day (im not allowed by my orthopaedic-surgeon-brother to pressure my arms, shoulders and back so much- because of my scoliosis and scapula abnormality). i wore a 3-inch-tall sandals for several hours (i walked and danced a lot with that sandals on) the other day. i walked under the rain several times.. because my umbrella was not with me. my sleeping habits are terrible.. i cant sleep at night, and i am easily awaken. my dog, amber, is in the season of changing her coat.. my whole room is filled with furr.. and even my bed! i cant get it all off.. and i feel that im inhaling a lot of furr lately.
result: flu. cough. fever. head ache. cold. back pain. my scapula hurts. my legs are in pain - its hard to walk.
according to the doctor, i have an allergy with my dog's fur. she prescribed me with a medicine.. and she told me to get rid of amber.
=( i dont know yet if this is an asthma already.. or leading to asthma. (i hope not)
it's so hard to be sick.. specially if you're the patient, and at the same time, you're the only one who'll take care of yourself. imagine, i have to get rid of my dog's furr.. and for me to do that.. i have to do a "general cleaning" in my room. and if i'll clean my whole room.. i wont get better because i could inhale more furr and my body would be more stressed. what should i do? i know, i need to lie down on my bed to rest.. but at the same time, i need to go outside to buy my medicine, my food and amber's food... i need to clean up amber's mess.. and i need to go to my scheduled job interviews. ohh well, i dont know how i'll get better with this kind of system.
i dont wanna let go of amber.. but if i wont do it.. i dont know if i'll get better. i made a promise to my brother that i'll take care of amber.. and i dont want to break it. and if i'll give amber away.. that would mean that i'll be alone again. =( amber is my sweet, obedient, smart, cute and loyal friend, baby, room-mate and companion. it would be depressing for me to let her go. i dont want my "anak" not leave me.
=(
to be silent - that's all i could do. as much as i would want to defend my side.. i just couldn't. because the more that i feel pressured, the more that i suppress my self.
im fed up with all the negative reactions, gossips and awkward moments.. and i couldn't do anything, but stay quiet. i've been hearing stories around about me - some are true, some are not - but still, im not defending my self. and the more i stay quiet, the more i create a distance.
i take it all in.. all the responses and hear-says.. but i could not take it out. i just hide and cry. i could not react, i could not say a word, i could not do anything.. so i end up locking myself in my room.. alone in tears.
its just sad because i still haven't said much.. but stories were around me already. i've only shared the prelude.. the next thing i knew.. the play is running with different directors already. behind me, i know that im the talk of the crowd.. i know that they're exchanging notes.. i know that they're worried about me.. and i know that they noticed my change. and even though they do and think this way, im allowing them to do so.. because i could not speak.
i have my own share of mistakes and i have made wrong decisions along the way - i wont deny it. and i feel that this silence is part of my mistakes. shutting my mouth is my initial response to negative reactions.. and having all these feedbacks make me wanna hide an run away.
i melt with confrontations and debates.. and i'd rather loose the arguement to listen, understand, accept and be open-minded, than speak to defend my stand.
i wish i could speak for myself.. but all i know is to stay silent.
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S I C K
im very much sick... physically, emotionally, and mentally sick. i feel down on the ground. i feel like giving up... i getting weaker and weaker... and it hurts me bad.
Lord, help me please. heal me from this pain inside me. i feel so weak, down and depressed. You're the only one i have now.. and im blessed because i know that You're more than enough. thank you Father for not leaving me alone.. eventhough the world turn its back on me.. You're still there beside me, not letting me go. thank you for the pain, hurt and loneliness that i feel.. because i know that You're refining me.. and molding me to be more like You. sorry Lord for the mistakes that i've made.. for my wrong decisions and priorities.. sorry for the pain that i've caused to the people that are important to me. sorry Lord for my short comings.. i know that i could have done better.. but i didnt. thank you for the forgiveness and for reminding me once again of your love for me. thank you Lord for accepting me just the way i am.. and for changing me into your likeness. thank you Lord for choosing me to be your daughter and for calling me in your ministry, though im fallin in nature. i know that im not worthy of this. im not giving You enough of what is due You. but still, You're not giving up on me. as much as i would want to glorify You in all my deeds, actions, decisions and everything within me.. i feel that my efforts are not as sweet as the aroma that should reach Your feet. im so broken. im so weak. im a sinner. i feel nothing. help me Lord.. i surrender. take control. im hand off. help me to be more sensitve to Your instructions. i want to be obedient.. i want to follow You.. just help me to hear You more clearly.. just You. all that i am Lord, all that i have.. its all Yours. though everything has gone, though everyone has left, and nothingless has seemed to be.. i still have You, and i wont let You go.. never. i love you Lord, and i know that we'll get through this together. in Jesus name. amen
im so amazed on what God did to me today. with much joy in my heart.. no words can exactly explain how i feel.
i had no money to go to my BS at school.. but i have no choice but to go there. my students were expecting me, we had visitors from ivcf, and im their leader. i cant leave them, simply because i dont have the resources.
i went there with only a few coins in my wallet... just enough to go there. and for my fare going home.. uhh.. i dont know?! guess i'd borrow money from someone, or just walk for half a day. hehe.
when i locked the doors of my room, i uttered a prayer.. "Lord, bahala ka na sakin. wala akong pera. di ko alam kung pano ako uuwi."
i cant afford not to pay on the jeepney. my conscience would kill me. i cant stand to face my students, teach about God's love and faithfulness.. and sin behind them. that's a big "No-No".
all i have is my faith in the midst of uncertainty. i didnt know what would happen to me, i didnt know what to do. but i have my faith.. and i know that my God will not fail me.. coz He never did.
so i faced my students with a smile. enjoyed playing table tennis with them. did our usual bible study gimiks. lead about a portion of the book of john. ate cake, courtesy of one of my students, after the BS. jam with them. and just enjoyed the moment with them.
without a clue, God prepared a present for me. just after the BS, one staff worker from ivcf approached me.. and gave me an amount more than i need. praise God! i was silent about my struggle. im not letting anyone know about it.. but God knows it very well. I'm so amazed with this blessing. my heart is crying out for joy.
in awe of You, we worship
and stand amazed of Your great love
we're changed from glory to glory
we set our hearts on You our God...
i realized that sometimes, we really need to experience "nothingless".. for in that emptiness in us, God fill us up compltely.. overflowingly. =)
God is blessing me so much.. more than what i ask.. more than what i think i need. i feel much loved by God. His love for me is beyond my comprehension.. its so great!
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there is no greater joy than fulfilling God's call
for our icebreaker activity during our BS a while ago, i gave the students 2 pieces of paper.. 1 is heart-shaped and the other 1 is star-shaped. the instruction was, they had to give the heart-shaped paper to the person that they want to thank, or they appreciate among the group. and the star-shaped is for th person that they want to get to know better. and they had to explain why they chose that person.
and guess what, almost all, if not all the students, gave me their heart-shaped piece. it melted my heart as they explain and thank me for what i did to them. i never realized my impact and influence to them, until they told me earlier. i know that im not worthy of that, and i believe that it's not my efforts that they see.. but my God who moves in me.
its not about me. NOT ME. its my God.
i feel so blessed to be use by God in this ministry. to share God's love and blessing among the students. i know im not worthy.. and im not good enough to teach them about His word, since i know little yet about it. but God extended my territories on things i never expected.. and used me for something i feel im not capable of.
in Christ alone,
i place my trust
and find my glory
in the power of the cross
in every victory
let it be said of me
my source of strength
my source of hope
IS CHRIST ALONE
all i have is my God.. and to His great love i'll trust.
every step of the way, all aspects of my life, everything that i have, every breath, every heartbeat, every tear, all my dreams and aspirations, all of me.. to my faithful and loving God, i'll give.
i need to memorize this asap *panic mode* i'll be singing it for a big time debut on saturday...
a little bit
i was kinda hesitant to tell you
should I let you know
i was never really like this before
need I say more
or maybe I'm confused when you are near me
i don't know what to do or I should be
there's only one thing in my mind
that's you and me
i'm a little bit of crazy
i'm a little bit of a fool
i'm a little bit of lonely
i'm a little bit of all
oh, I need a cure
just a little bit of you
and I will fall..
i'm always on the run to see you
would you allow me to
it wasn't my attention to hurt you
this feeling is true
or maybe I'm confused when you are near me
i don't know what to do or I should be
yhere's only one thing in my mind
yhat's you and me
i'm a little bit of crazy
i'm a little bit of a fool
i'm a little bit of lonely
i'm a little bit of all
oh, I need a cureJust a little bit of you
and I will fall...
the girl.
